Musings

I do have a lot going on in life right now. I’m in the process of finding and moving into a new apartment and the new job is very much the definition of full-time. So for those few small instances where I find myself with nothing to do, I really just don’t want to do anything but sit for a while.

I had one of those instances last night and decided to relinquish the sitting in silence and instead make a trip to the local GameStop. One of those trips where you know you shouldn’t be doing it but you’re going to anyway because it’s your feeble act of defiance against the decadence of life. My targets were quite simple: a used/new PSP and The 3rd Birthday.

To qualify these targets a bit, you’d have to first understand that I’m a massive Parasite Eve whore. Pretty much anyone who knows me will figure that out at some point. So I’ve followed the series along quite closely for years. I can’t count how many times I’ve played through the first game. The second one was a bit strange compared to the first but it was still good. It just didn’t have that captivating factor to me (maybe because the composer for the score was different?).

The unfortunate thing about this was right before T3B was released, I parted ways with my original PSP for the sake of moving money around and never replaced it. So T3B was released and I only glimpsed footage on trailers or YouTube. A friend of mine once had T3B but I wasn’t in the right mindset to try and enjoy it; playing games like those, for me, requires a bit more of an intimate setting.

Last night I played it for roughly four hours or so. No big deal. But then I did something this morning that I haven’t done since I was fourteen or so: I woke up and immediately turned on the PSP to play T3B. And I played for another three hours.

Let’s chalk it up to a testament of how good a game it is. Admittedly, however, there was something else going on there. Despite looking at what I did from two different perspectives: the adult perspective and the juvenile perspective, the juvenile won out because I felt good afterward. I feel like there’s a part of me that should hate myself for wasting time on a video game when I could have been programming or studying.

I find it interesting that I should feel like that because I never used to before. This is something I’ve struggled with for years. And it’s not directly correlated to my playing a video game (even though it’s the best example) but it’s the battle between subscribing to an ethereal guideline of how to act in order to maintain a certain behavior/stature or just doing what comes to you or makes you happy (within reason of course). A lot of times it feels like doing what makes me happy is in direct violation of this guideline that states act like this in order to be perceived as a mature adult.

On the flip side of that, it’s not too hard to scoff at someone because they’re not acting in a way that you perceive as being mature; that’s called projection 🙂 (or a really horrible inferiority complex). But I can’t help but wonder if that’s because the basis for that perception is skewed or even indoctrinated by bias? Most everyone can agree that there are some basic forms of behavior that are clearly defined as being on one side or the other of the maturity fence. Beyond that, it seems like the differences in what’s actually defined as mature become strikingly apparent. That definition could very well be just as diverse as the number of people in any given room.

The thing that’s always struck me as odd is that despite understanding all of that, why do I still feel like I should take a shower for hours on end after doing something that makes me happy yet is in violation of those maturity guidelines? Maybe it’s because I feel embarrassed that I let myself “stoop so low” as to not be mature for a few hours? Or is it because I feel like other’s perception of me will be different if they know how immature I really am?

The really strange thing is that despite having attained a professional level in my career with technology, it’s still an area where I get perceived to be immature simply because of how excited I get about working with it. So is your enthusiasm about a topic partially to blame for your immaturity?

Fuck it. I’m going to go play T3B.

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